I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
