everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
