In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
