You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
