It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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