i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
