so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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