I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
