i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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