Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(301): View more from Maryland

All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.

Fav 12 1126 3898
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(419): View more from Ohio

My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.

Fav 6 3753 1089
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(418): View more from Quebec

I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out

Fav 7 3704 2047
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(406): View more from Montana

It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.

Fav 5 3021 2237
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(309): View more from Illinois

Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.

Fav 8 2377 1189
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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."

Fav 5 2097 1245
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(325): View more from Texas

I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.

Fav 2 904 1500
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(706): View more from Georgia

They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.

Fav 2 374 178
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(248): View more from Michigan

Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?

Fav 0 49 8
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