He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Found the puke drawer
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
