dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
pray to the hookup gods
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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