my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
