All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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