if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize