Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
