I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
