he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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