I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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