Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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