and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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