Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
