I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
