I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I am spending my child support on dildos
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
The Olympian is in my bed
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
