My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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