eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
