I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
