u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
