his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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