you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
