tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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