Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
