we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
