i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
