Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
God, I missed his penis.
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