are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
