I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
