Old men and throwing up are my life now.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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