He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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