You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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