I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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