You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
