What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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