Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
