Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
We left the knife in your bed.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
