Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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