i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
