Tell her she can't have a vagina
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize