how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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