i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize