My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
