Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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