If i come over, it means nothing
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize