so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
