if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
