I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
