the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
