If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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