I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Blood and glitter go together right?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
