There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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