if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
We left an ass print on the piano.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
