She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
That accounts for only three of the penises
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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