Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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