I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
