I CAN MOONWALK!
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
