My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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